


You Don't Know the Half of the Abuse

by Blubunn



Series: Come Back To Me [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angelic Grace, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mild Gore, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 08:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11825238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blubunn/pseuds/Blubunn
Summary: Castiel grows frustrated with his mental walls, and learns what's keeping them up.





	You Don't Know the Half of the Abuse

**Author's Note:**

> [Based on these (*spoilers*)](https://blusart.tumblr.com/post/164274247060/)   
>  [Master Artpost (*spoilers*)](https://blusart.tumblr.com/tagged/comebacktomeverse/chrono)

Castiel’s wall had more cracks in it, one prominent one allowed him to see a tunneled view of his surroundings. It did make him feel better that he didn’t need the viewport anymore, but he was still frustrated.

“Months,” he growled at his Grace as it settled from a recent flare. His Grace flared rarely now, Dean having learned how to handle Castiel more delicately. However, there were still times when it grew overprotective and refused to listen to Castiel. Those times were the worst for him. It would chill his mind and try to push Castiel into a dormant state, but he was able to resist it long enough to calm it. When Dean sang to him, it helped to strengthen Castiel against his Grace’s frost long enough to talk it down.

_ “Are you ready to go to bed?” _ Dean asked Castiel through the tunnel in the wall. He pulled on the Grace he attached to his vessel. He was tired of doing this with Dean. When Dean began his prayer again, Castiel hated how trying it clearly was on him. He needed to get out soon. He watched Dean through the tunnel, sighing. He really did seem to be able to handle anything life threw at him. Even a broken angel like Castiel, Dean did his best to get through it.

Dean found a routine for Castiel and himself that they could handle. Castiel would sit with Dean while he ate. When Dean would fix his hair, he started brushing Castiel’s into the style he would normally wear it. If Sam and Mary were out, he would go over the details of their hunts, and research whatever he could to help them. He always appreciated it when Castiel would try to help with little nudges and twitches. 

When Sam and Mary were home, they sat with Dean and Castiel, talking about their hunts, or the towns hunts took them to. Sometimes they brought back souvenirs for Castiel, telling him about their significance to the towns. They would eat with him and Dean, always making sure to glance at Castiel when they spoke to Dean, keeping him in the conversation.

No one seemed to be bothered by Castiel’s unblinking, blank eyes. No one tried to cover them or avert their own eyes from his unseeing gaze. They treated Castiel like he was part of their family. His love for the Winchesters grew more than Castiel ever thought it could. His own family of angels never felt as warm as these three did.

At night, when Dean would pick a song to sing for him that always faded into his prayer, Castiel felt that love pain him more than ever. He wanted this. He wanted to be a part of this family. Castiel wanted desperately to be a Winchester. He wanted to laugh with them. He wanted to share their tears. He wanted to be their comfort as they were his. He wanted to get out.

Castiel’s patience was growing thin. He attacked his wall every night when Dean slept, but the onslaught seemed to do very little. The wall stood tall and defiant despite the cracks in it, and Castiel begun to hate it. “It’s been months,” Castiel repeated, glaring at the cracked wall. Even the cracks in it seemed to laugh at him like it was doing him a favor by letting him through just enough to feel like there was progress. However, the progress seemed to be slowing to a stop. There were no new cracks, and there wasn’t any in days. He attacked what he thought were the weakest parts of the wall, and for a while it worked, but now Castiel was getting angry at the lack of results. He was determined to destroy the wall. He wanted his family. He wanted Dean.

“I built you,” Castiel snarled at the wall, “I can break you. I will break you.” Castiel had enough. He pulled all his Grace to him, condensing it into a blast he would expel against the wall. He powered it up with every last bit of his Grace that he could find in every crevice of his mind. “You will fall,” Castiel hissed at the wall that mocked him. When there was no more Grace to be had, Castiel held his hand toward the wall and fired.

Broken wings fluttered in a panic as Castiel was flung back into the space of his mind. The blast didn’t shoot forward against the wall, it fired back into him. Suddenly, a mangled version of Castiel’s face bore down on him, inches away from his own face, glaring through one eye that burned with white hot fury.

**ENOUGH.**

Castiel winced, holding his head as his Grace’s voice shook his mind. He watched his Grace take on the shape of his vessel. It was blinding. It took Castiel’s form, but glowing with a monochromatic light that made up his Grace. Castiel watched in horror as it solidified its shape. It was Castiel in appearance, but it was mangled. It was cut and shredded, limbs hanging onto its body by mere tendons and ligaments.

“What...what is this?” Castiel choked out through his terror.

**Castiel.**

His Grace’s form didn’t move its mouth. The voice sounded in his head. Castiel watched his Grace’s eye swivel in its socket, searching for words. Its other eye was missing and bore only a twitching void as the other moved.

**I am your Grace. I am you, Castiel.**

“Impossible,” Castiel exhaled. “This is unprecedented. Grace isn’t sentient. What are you?”

His Grace tilted its head at him, giving him a look of disdain that shown itself in spades despite only one eye.  **You made me like this. No other angel is as selfish as you. Not even Lucifer.**

Castiel shifted back at that, as though his Grace had punched him. “How dare you say that,” he hissed.

His Grace shrugged.  **You know it to be true in your heart. You rebel against Heaven, then mourn its loss when they close its gates on you. You destroy countless brothers, then mourn when they take their love from you. You betray the Winchesters, the very men you rebelled for, and then you mourn their lack of trust. You, Castiel, are selfish. A child.**

“Who are you to say all this to me? I was doing what I thought was right and necessary at the time.”

**I am not here to tell you that you were wrong.**

“That’s what it sounds like. You pull from me, fight with me, mock me, and now you appear this way to insult me? I don’t have time for this! Dean is waiting for me and I need to break that wall.”

His Grace shook his head in disbelief.  **You fool. I’m not here to question your choices. I’m here because you still refuse to understand.**

“Understand what?”

**How I came to be. Why I came to be.**

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I need to get out of here.”

**People tell you again and again. Dean has told you, and yet you still refuse to see it.**

“Just say it! I’m sick of these games!”

**Everything has a price.**

Castiel backed away at that. “I know that. I’m not an idiot.”

**No, not an idiot. You’re selfish. You want the world for nothing.**

“That is not true. I’ve paid for the things I’ve done.”

**Have you? Think about it. Have you really paid your debts because from where I stand, you do nothing, but accrue more. You rebelled against Heaven. You killed your brothers. You have consistently put the Winchesters over your own kind, and yet you still try to get back into Heaven.**

“That is not true. I went back to find out what they were planning. It would have been stupid not to.”

**Maybe you had the Winchesters in the forefront, but can you honestly say Kelvin’s pitch didn’t wiggle its way into your heart just a little? Can you look me in the eye and tell me you had zero interest in the perks that would come if you went on with their plan? A plan that we both know you were fully invested in seeing through, whether the Winchesters agreed or not?**

Castiel bit the inside of his cheek, glaring at his Grace. Even if he did declare that his intentions were pure, his Grace knew the truth. Castiel missed Heaven. He didn’t want to leave Dean or Sam or Mary, but there would always be a part of him that longed for his home. He just didn’t understand why he couldn’t have both.

**Because your debt is too high in Heaven.** His Grace answered Castiel’s thoughts.  **You have to give up the idea of Heaven. That is the price you have to pay. You will NEVER be allowed to return to Heaven.**

Castiel sighed with exasperation, tired of discussing his sins long past. He gestured around him. “What’s this then? Why am I trapped in my mind when there’s no reason for me to be here anymore. I’m safe. I’m with Dean. Help me get out.”

**This is your payment.**

“Payment for what?”

**For the wall.**

Castiel’s breath caught at that. “What are you saying? I built that wall myself. I should be able to tear it down.”

**Think, Castiel. What did you build it with? What do you think is holding the wall together?**

Castiel searched his Grace’s eye, and knew the answer almost immediately. He moved forward as he warned, “You. You let me out of here. I will not be controlled by you.”

**I’m not here to control you, Castiel. I’m here to protect you. You wanted to escape Arthur Ketch, so I helped you escape. I will always support your choices, Castiel. That is part of our bond. I will always support your choices, but I will no longer stand by as you continue to try to take from the universe without paying. You have made it impossible for me to do that now.**

“I will rip you out!” Castiel barked. “I will become human again. Without you here, the wall will crumble, and I can get back to Dean.”

**THINK, CASTIEL.** Castiel held his head as his Grace’s voice boomed around him, its mangled form glaring at him with reproach.  **The price for my protection. The price for the wall. The price to not experience what Arthur Ketch was doing to you. TO ME.** Castiel looked up at his Grace in horror. The mangled form wept now.  **Someone had to feel it, Castiel. Someone had to be there. Together, we would’ve been strong. Together, we might have escaped. If we couldn’t? Dean found us. Dean saved us. You just had to experience it. He would’ve helped us get through the experience, but you refused. You refused to stand with me. You built that wall because you didn’t trust us. Arthur Ketch was a monster, but we could’ve handled that. The things he did to us, to our vessel, we could come back from that. We are more than our vessel, but you let him convince you that we weren’t. You let him convince us that we were weak, but, Castiel, you forgot. He was just a human. We are an angel. We are loved by God. We are loved by the Winchesters. We could have fought, but...but...YOU ABANDONED ME!**

Castiel trembled from the recoil of his Grace’s despair. His mind was silent then, and Castiel watched his Grace weep, mangled and broken in more than just appearance. With a ginger step, he approached it. He knelt before its crumpled form. “I did,” Castiel admitted. His Grace looked up at him. “I promise, I didn’t know that you would have to bear what he did to us, but that isn’t an excuse. I shouldn’t have given up. I should’ve kept fighting. I’m sorry you had to fight alone. You shouldn’t have had to do that.”

**I need to protect you. You asked me to protect you.**

Castiel shook his head. “I should’ve tried to protect myself. You did so good all alone, but I should’ve been with you. Let me be with you now.”

**You don’t know what you’re asking. What it means.** His Grace shook his head, pulling away from Castiel.  **You asked me to protect you.**

“I know what it means,” Castiel assured it. “I have to experience it. It’s the only way I’ll be able to recover. Let me protect you now. We’ll protect each other.”

His Grace looked up at him.  **If I let you back out there...you can’t go back to your old ways. You have to accept consequences, Castiel. Or we’ll end up like this again. You have to be honest. You have to accept that not everything is yours to control. You have to ask for help.**

Castiel inhaled as he looked over at the wall. Castiel always hid his true desires. He did everything he could to keep the Winchesters safe, but his Grace was right. They were a team. Not everything was for Castiel to control. He looked down at his Grace when it grabbed his arm, its eye questioning Castiel’s intention. “I can only promise that I’ll try,” he said. “I have a lot to answer for, and a lot more to recover from, but...I think...I’m sure I can do it. We’ll do it together this time.”

His Grace smiled up at him.  **Be wary out there, Castiel. Old habits die hard. I don’t want to see you like this again.**

Castiel smiled at his Grace as its appearance began to shift back into that orb he could manipulate. He gathered the ball of light in a gentle hold, carrying it back toward the wall. He looked up at the structure, biting the corner of his lower lip. Now that he understood the secret behind the wall, he knew there was a lot of hurt behind it. More than he anticipated. As he pulled the Grace that held the wall together back into the Grace in his hand, he acknowledged that he would be a liar if he didn’t admit that he didn’t want to feel what was behind the wall. He knew it was okay for him to admit that. Even if he didn’t want to feel it, he would because he had to go back. Dean was waiting for him.

=============

Castiel’s eyes fluttered as they cleared, and his breath caught in his throat. Dean’s slumbering face rested just inches away. He wasn’t tunneled through the wall. He was there, sleeping right in front of him. He could feel the weight of Dean’s arm around his waist. Castiel struggled for a moment to remember how to move his vessel before he brought his hand up to Dean’s face, his fingers light as they brushed along his jaw. 

Dean, ever the light sleeper, jolted awake, grabbing Castiel’s hand. His grip seemed to tremble with hope when Castiel came into focus. “Cas?” he gulped, caution muddying his voice. “Are you with me?”

Castiel smiled up at him, his eyes clearer than they’ve been in months. He felt Dean relax around him as he returned Castiel’s smile with a wide one of his own “Dean…” he murmured his name with reverence as his fingers closed around Dean’s hand. “Dean, I’m--” Castiel’s voice caught as Dean’s face became blurred. Not blurred, it shifted. Ketch’s face smiled down at him, clutching his hand. He whipped himself away from Dean, his eyes wide with fear. 

His Grace was settling now, wrapping itself around him once again to merge with him. With that assimilation came its memories. Everything the wall prevented Castiel from experiencing flooded his mind all at once. He turned away from Dean as he sat up, clutching the blankets to his chest and staring into the darkness. Memories filled the void, and Castiel saw Ketch. When Castiel hid behind the wall and forced his Grace to take over, he no longer became coherent. He wouldn’t scream those pretty words Ketch loved to hear. He wouldn’t cry out for Dean. He wouldn’t beg Ketch to stop. Only pained noises came from him once the wall was in place. His abandoned Grace had no one, nothing to cry out for. It only knew pain, and responded with noises. Ketch worked Castiel’s body harder, trying to get him to speak again. Castiel shook as he remembered, as he saw what he forced his Grace to endure so he wouldn’t have to.

Somewhere far away, Castiel could hear Dean’s voice. Dean was holding him, trying to call him back, but Castiel couldn’t escape the memories. He had to see them all up until his rescue. Ketch had shredded his Grace through his vessel, and Castiel had let it happen. Castiel was a coward. Castiel was weak. Castiel was screaming.

“CASTIEL!” Dean cried, holding him tight against his chest. “Please! I’m here! He’s dead, Cas! You’re safe! I’ll protect you! Please, Castiel! Stay with me! Don’t leave me again! Please!”

Castiel trembled in Dean’s arms, his eyes clearing. His throat hurt from screaming. “Dean…” he croaked through a broken voice. He looked up at him, wanting to be sure the man that held him was Dean. His clear green eyes brought him comfort despite the grief that flooded behind them.

Dean saw the clarity return to Castiel’s eyes, and he couldn’t stop himself. He pressed his lips to Castiel’s, begging in such a soft voice against them, “Don’t leave me again...Please, Castiel...Please don’t leave me again…” He kissed Castiel again, pulling back just enough to look into his eyes. As the memories settled in Castiel’s mind, Dean saw himself reflected back. “Stay with me…” 

“I’m here…” Castiel murmured, his voice shaking as he tried to let the memories surround him without engulfing him. He buried his face into Dean’s chest, clinging to him as though he would fall into the pits of hell if he didn’t. “Dean, I made it back…” he breathed as he felt Dean’s arms tighten around him.

After a moment, there were very tentative hands that touched his back, and Castiel jolted. The hands disappeared faster than they came. Castiel looked over his shoulder to find Sam and Mary seated at the edge of the bed, looking at him with relief that seemed to be drowning in a concern that hurt them both. Castiel let out a sob, and though he couldn’t release Dean completely, he stretched an arm to them. The two responded immediately, and the Winchesters provided Castiel with a new wall. They held him protectively, supportively. Castiel was not alone. They would help him. He would recover from this, and they would help him. He knew that as they pressed around him, they would help him stand on his own again. 

Castiel was not alone.

Castiel made it back.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's all I feel qualified to write. To those who started this with me, thank you for sticking around and I hope you enjoyed this short ride. I really like this verse, so I'll likely be drawing more for it. You know where to find me. <3


End file.
